I woke up this morning to the news that the Stanley Cup finals for the National Hockey League ended last night. And the winner was Carolina.
My first thought — after I realized they were still playing hockey in the middle of June — was, Carolina has a hockey team? Isn’t the land of Raleigh/Durham/Cary/Chapel Hill the domain of Duke and North Carolina and NC State? Do they even know what a puck is? Heck, do they even know what ice is? Do they know how to play any sports down there that doesn’t include a 10-inch round orange ball or a football-shaped brown, uh, football?
And for Pete’s sake, they beat some Canadians. Not wimpy French “Canadiens”, as they’re known in Montreal. These are real manly Canadians: the Houston, er, I mean Edmonton Oilers.
Shoot, the Canadians practically invented hockey. They actually understand the definition of “icing”. And they know how in the heck somebody can be “offsides” when there are men skating all over the place instead of starting each play lined up neatly on each side of the ball, uh, puck. I think the Canadians deserve to win just for being cerebral enough to understand the game.
But wait, there’s more. It turns out this wasn’t just a Dixie-vs-Cannuck fluke. Yessir, ladies and gentlemen. Last year’s Stanley Cup was won by ... (are you ready for this?) ... the Tampa Bay Lightning. That’s right, they actually play hockey in Florida!
Sheesh, next you’ll be telling me that they play baseball in Montreal. Waitaminnit. That’s right. They actually used to play baseball there, but nobody noticed. So they moved the team to Washington dc.
God bless America. At least Major League Baseball finally figured out what sport belongs where.
Now, if we can only convince the nfl to restore the St. Louis Cardinals, the Los Angeles Rams, and the Baltimore Colts to their rightful locations.